Sunday, December 28, 2014

The actual transcript of the Annunciation…

"The angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God (OK, that's a nice way of saying He thinks you have really great tits and you're a fox). And now, you will conceive in your womb (duh!) and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus (He knows you like "Kevin", sorry about that). 

He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Most High (for which he'll get unrelenting shit in 2nd Grade), and the Lord God will give to him the throne of his ancestor David (and if he gets good grades, a new Corvette when he turns 17). He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end (thanks to those low Inheritance taxes from His most devout followers in Congress).

Mary said to the angel, 'How can this be, since I am a virgin?' The angel said to her, 'OK, clearly you missed Sex-Ed classes. The Holy Spirit will come upon you (well, inside you, if you want to get technical), and the power of the Most High will overshadow you (so none of this "consent" crap —no kicking and screaming, and NO pepper spray!); therefore the child to be born will be holy (as in wholly yours, so don't even think of a paternity suit!); he will be called Son of God (no — NOT Kevin, no matter how much crap he gets in 2nd Grade).' 

And Mary said unto the Angel, "Um, OK. But will he respect me in the morning?'" 

 (via the Gospel of Luke, unedited version)

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